Dear GOD, thank you for being patient..

Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.

Matthew 23:26

This clock never seemed to alive.

It's that time again, sigh, which means:

• That paper I've been working on all semester, the one that reflects my entire grade, is finally due
• I have one speech left, the hardest one of them all, persuasive, that'll determine weather or not I get an A or B in the class
• My math exam is quickly nearing and I don't feel like I'm ready
• Not to mention all the other homework and class work that still has to be done
• My room still needs to be cleaned
• My laundry desperately needs to be done
• My car need to be fixed, it's making weird noises
• It seems I have a billion little things to do
• Christmas (yeah, I had to say it) is quickly nearing (AH!)
• Work has been especially crazy lately
• I have about 300+ letters sitting on my desk right now that needed to go out... yesterday
• A a few billion other things that are swirling around up there
• Sleep is mearly a suggestion at this point

Things to be thankful for:

• God is control of all!
• Challis is back from Texas and has less than a month till delivery!
• Florida-Florida State game is soon nearing
• Thirsty is happening soooon, and I'm super pumped
• Thanksgiving is soon! Mmm. Turkey!
• I'm looking forward to seeing and spending time with my loved ones as the holidays approach
• The weather has been beautiful
• My friends and family
• Just being alive and well

Alright, back to work. Sheesh, so much for a break.

live is to die as die is to live.

Lose whatever it is that is holding you back, period.

Broken CD player.

It's been almost a month since I last wrote. My intensions were to write more than this, but it's been really busy. So I'm going to try to do better from now on.


Saturday about 12 of us from ACM helped out at Raise the Roof. It was a crazy day, but over all a pretty good one. Despite the crazyness I actually learned a lot and got to meet a lot of really cool people too. One that stands out though is Brandon, a rapper from Texas. Brandon performed right before Kirk Franklin. The girls and I met Brandon while the boys were wating on Kirk Franklin. We talked to him, asked him how he got into rapping, and all that good stuff. Before he departed he gave us his CD. If you're into rap, it's quite good. You can check it out his myspace. (Syrememusic)

I've been listing to it a lot, partly because it's stuck in my CD player and I can't get it out and because it's good too. I really do like rap a lot. And I think it's really awesome that someone reaching that part of society. It's kind of inspiring. As I was listing to the lyrics one of them stood out. "I don't do it for the indusrty, I do it for the ministry." Wow, that's a pretty deep statement. I love it though. I mean, I'm not in "the industry" but it does make me question why do I do the things I do? Is it because it makes me feel good? Becuase I get attention from them? Becuase they need to be done? Becuase I enjoy doing them? Becuase that's what I'm supposed to do?Because I love Christ so much that it over flows into everything I do? And ironicly, that's some what JJ was talking about in church the past two Sunday's. A lot of times it's hard to do things with out gaining something personally. When in all reality that shouldn't be the motivation behind the act. It's even more difficult in our society when everyone is struggling to be better, smater and richer.

I think being selfish is where one place we go wrong. Being selfish means we're being selfcentered. Which means we're not being Christ centerd. We are so obsesed with ourselvs. It's quit sicking if you really think about it. Thankfully Christ wasn't like that!

It is but a wisper.

It's colder today than most,
The temperature has dropped drastically since the fall of night.

The sun fails to appear in this morning sky,
and I can feel the wind cutting through the my layers.

I am not at all surprised, for I have seen the reports,
However, I am concerned, that this coat I'm nestled in may not be enough.

Still I cling to hope of a sunny day,
and understand that this storm will pass.

My heart longs for that sunny day,
when we will be allowed to run for the first time.

to clarify...

my last blog was about a girl i met in my math class, we'll call her yolanda. she sits in front of me and for the first couple of weeks we never really talked, just kind of smiled at each other. we moved into the saying "hey" stage as we would have to get into groups to do like team math stuff, stupid i know. as the weeks progressed we still didn't talk much. there is this other girl in the class who is really, really, really, really, really [i think you get the point] annoying. well call her marry jo. and marry jo is like so annoying that i just want to say "hey stop talking!" anyhow, one day marry jo was being expically annoying and yolanda commented to me about it. her and i kind of hit it off from there. every since that day we talk, it's more in depth now, but it tends to have something to do with marry jo (not always, but 7 out of 10 times.) i kind of going along with it all. and i've never blatantly mentioned my faith. not that i'm like super scared or anything (i'd be a lie if i said i wasn't scared at all) but for some reason i can't bring myself to say something about it. it's weird...

so to my point.. i wrote this because i feel as if i've failed the Lord. i pray for opportunities to show that i'm different, to share the gospel, to meet new people and to ultimately show God's love and who He really is. i obviously fail. majorly. and i know that God still loves me and all that, it's just i don't want to be the scared christian or the one who is ashamed. i want to be bold. and i want to take a stand for what i be live in. i know i'm not always going to succeed in doing so but i want to try. and maybe this is just a way for the Lord to teach me a lesson. (not maybe, it is!) so yeah, i hope that makes a little better sense..

i want so much more

we sat unassumingly,
quite we were,

a second go for the both of us,
nervous, anxious, but still optimistic,

we were more similar then i think either of us realized,
seeing as we had been through a lot of the same things,

we'd soon be brought together,
as our silence was awoken by a desperate and pathetic cry,

we bonded through that howl,
and though in my heart i knew it was wrong,

i sat back and chuckled,
never once did i take a stand,

instead i told myself lies,
not saying anything would be okay,

everything we thought about that sob was true,
but our means as humans of relaying them were cruel at best,

still, after all i'd done, i sat behind my new friend,
praying the she'd see the difference,

that a door would be opened,
that i'd be brave,

that i'd forget about this world,
that i would no longer let the flesh hinder me,

that i could be used to reach out,
that i would find the words,

that i could be that person,
that i could know where to start,

that i would no longer be seen,
that we would be united,

that i wasn't a coward,
that i wouldn't fear,

that my weakness would be made strong,
that i would finally make that leap,

that i would get out of the way,
and that You take the reins.

because I will not does not mean I cannot.

anger and frustration seep in,
hate and darkness kill there living souls,

their very nature has been transformed,
father from Him and each other they grow,

building up walls of demise they move into a state of foolishness,
times passes and still no change,

for now they've grown even more bitter and fallen to new depths,
yet their mess continues on, giving little hope to a solution,

in place of their love,
their sinful natures take over,

others watching on begin to take note,
and questions soon arise,

still their evil presses on,
for his plan is working,

they have been equally corrupited,
even more have fallen as well,

they now walk through their days in darkness,
a spoiled stench effects evertyhting they do,

and who they want to become,
they are not dead, just held from true life,

the One thing that can save them waits paciantly for their requests,
the emotion and joy the once shared has evaporated,

and forgiveness is no longer a word in their vocabulary,
instead "me" replaces it and completely binds them,

transformation is an option,
and light will come into their darkness if they desire to let it.

And if My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways then I WILL hear them from heaven and WILL forgive their sin, and WILL heal their land!

2 Chronicles 7:14

i hurt for you..

I don't think I'd even try,
to answer her questions.

Father you must know it's not because I don't want to,
because in all honesty I would in a heart beat.

I want to squash them so badly, to relive her from her pain and agony,
but I just don't know how, or even where to begin.

You've promised to take comfort her, and I'm confident you will,
but Father, give her strength!

Please, oh Maker,
give her answers!

Give her faith and hope,
give her weary soul rest!

Oh Father, you know, more than I, what she needs!

in the morning, when i rise, give me Jesus

oh Morning,

what surprises do You hold for me today?
what challenges will You bring a long my way?


what chances will You give me to love?
what chances to rise above?


what chances to grow?
what changes to show?


what is my purpose for today?
oh, Morning, will you show me the way?

a brand new day or so it seems,
my deepest fears and dreams,

they find me,
and steal the person I want to be,

they take me away from You
they take me away from the One that is true,

Oh Morning,

my heart it longs, it wants, it needs,
for a love so sure that it bleeds,

to learn, to love, the Morning Light,
to be pleasing to Your holy sight.

Oh Morning Light,
what surprises do you have for today?

Bitter sweet.

A little over a week ago I got to experience an scary, yet amazing thing. My childhood friend, Andrea Nale, now Andrea Taylor, got married. Marriage!? But wait!? She's only 19! The thought kind of freaks me out. And my mind began to wonder... Marriage. Yeah, that's a big commitment. A really big one. A life long one. One that I've never really been worried about. (Not that I've never thought or worried about it, because of course I have, I am a female! I just have always trusted that the Lord will send "Mr. Right" at the time he sees fit.) But all this got me thinking. Not that I want to rush into a marriage or anything, because that's a BIG no! But it did remind me how old I am. I know, I know. You're thinking "How could I forget how old I am?" or "You're not that old." You're right. I didn't literally forget my age, nor do I think I'm old by any means. But I am at the age where I could get married, or move away, or do something crazy like that. (Don't worry, I'm not doing either of those, so don't worry.) But if I wanted to, I could. And that's a scary fact. I mean the last five years have just flown by. It's exciting, but sad too.

Which leads me to death. I never think of death until, well, someone dies. And I hate the way the word sounds too. It's a cold, hard word. And it just seems to linger in the air. This week another girl, Brittany Little, who I went to school with (elementary school and freshman year of high school) passed away. I don't know how. I just know it happened. It's a scary thought. To think someone my exact age could die. I mean I'm not ninety-five, so people my age don't usually die. But Brittany's death made me think. A lot. About life. About death. About how I treated her when she was alive. About how I treat all people. Was she saved? And then I thought, Wow.. I don't want anyone to die with out knowing about Jesus. I thought about allot he people I know. And how on earth could I show them ALL Jesus? And that's just it, I can't. But what I can do is try and reach every person that I possible can. And not by kidnapping them and making them go to church OR by throwing a Bible at them. But by loving people. By being kind. (I think a lot of people in the world forgot how to be kind. I know I have.) By waving to my neighbors. By smiling at the random person in the grocery store. By talking to the weird, quit girl who sits next to me in class. By being genuine. By treating each person with love an respect, even if I don't get it back. And I know I won't do that all the time, but I can sure try my best!

This week was a tough one to swallow. It's been scary. But I've learned a lot.

Oh and...

RIP

Brittany Little

&

CONGRATULATIONS MR. & MRS. TAYLOR!

it's new everyday.

okay, so this is a day late.. I started it yesterday, but just never finished it.


Today is the first day of school, well, not for me, but for Pinellas County Schools. I always loved the first day of school. It's usually a hectic day, but a good one. And there is that new start feeling. You know, the one were you're anxious to see what schools going to be like;what classes will you have, who will be back from last year, who will be new, what teachers are gone, what teachers have come and of course you get to see your friends. You know, the ones you haven't seen all summer for one reason or another. There's the sense of the unknown that gives hope and light to the year to come. And it's exciting. Well, for me it is.



The first day is big too. You've got to make a good first impression. The first day is your shot to make a name for yourself. To let everyone know who you are. Last year only matters because it happened. I mean you could have totally made a fool out of yourself the year before, or failed a class, or two, or even if you were super good, on track and did well, you still have to keep that up in one way or another.



And that's kind of like today. I had a horrible day yesterday. And it just kept getting worse as the day progressed. But today, today is a new day. A fresh start. A chance to be better. So as I'm driving to work today, as I'm seeing all these kids standing at their bus stops, I think of the first day of school. And how each of those children are about to get that fresh new start. And then I say to myself, "ah, a new day" As this is happening and my mind starts to play songs that is related to what I'm thinking. I don't know if that makes sense, but I do it all the time. I'll be thinking of something and song lyrics will pop into my head. Today that song was "Mercy Reigns" by Shane & Shane. The song talks about how the Lords mercy falls and then it rises with the sun and it's new every morning. So, I get to work and immediately Google the lyrics. I start reading them and then I realize that there are a, well actually two, verses form the Bible. The first, Song of Solomon 2:14 and the second, Lementations 3:22-23. Both beautiful passages. But the one that stood out to me today was Lementatons 3:22-23. It reads "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Wow... That's so true. The Lord's mercies are new, everyday. And even though we've had a bad day, week, month, or even life each new day brings that hope, that light, that chance to be different, to change, to be new. For me that's an amazing feeling. That despite all the things I've been through, my screw ups, mistakes, times I've failed, the scars I have from those, the old sins, the new sins and the sins to come, all the times I've let people down I have a chance to be new! And it happens every morning! Every time the sun comes up I get a new start! And what a refreshing feeling that is!

One.

So, this is my first post. Yes, I know, I've conformened. But I guess there are a lot worse things I could conform to. Plus, I think these are cool. I like reading about people and their lives and I like writing, I just don't think I'm good at it. So I thought hm.. Why not give it a try? You never know.